Make Yourself
Introduction
We all have internal unconscious desires or wants that drive us; however, we often find ourselves seeking fulfillment from external sources. Think about that for a moment. Why does this happen?
When we feel empty inside, we often believe we need respect, approval, love, or attention from other people in order to be happy and fulfilled. Many of us rely on validation from parents, partners, friends, or society to feel worthy. We seek respect and admiration from others as an acknowledgment of our value. Or we may look to relationships to find the love and connection we crave.
This external focus on wanting our needs met by other people often leaves us disappointed. I like to compare this need to craving sugar - after having a little, you need more but never quite feel satisfied. If you really think about it, we tend to give our power away when we make our happiness contingent on the opinions, actions, or affections of others.
The only real and lasting source of fulfillment comes from within. To feel in control, we have to let go of control. The control I’m speaking of is the need to control what happens outside of us.
Seeking Respect from Others
We all want to feel respected by others. But when we rely too heavily on external validation, we can start to feel empty inside. This is especially true if respect doesn't seem to be forthcoming from bosses, coworkers, friends or even family members. Can you think of a time when you put your heart and soul into a project and successfully completed it, yet you feel like your efforts have gone unnoticed? This is a perfect opportunity to celebrate your accomplishments, regardless of outside recognition. You know you did a great job and you’re proud of your work. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge it.
Or you might be putting energy into friendships but don't feel like your friends value your time or company. These situations can leave you feeling hollow and insignificant if you find your worth from external sources. People may be too caught up in their own world to provide the affirmation you desire. Basing your self-worth on what other people think is just an exercise in frustration. Their opinions are out of your control.
The emptiness comes when you look outward for respect rather than inward. Healthy self-respect arises from doing good work, acting with integrity, pursuing meaningful goals and treating others with compassion. When you live up to your own values, you feel worthwhile regardless of external validation. When you find worth in yourself, you stop worrying about what others think.
Seeking Approval from Parents
As children, we naturally look to our parents for guidance, praise, and reassurance. Their approval helps build our self-esteem and confidence. However, relying too heavily on our parents' validation can prevent us from developing a strong sense of self.
Many adults still seek the approval of their parents well into adulthood, out of habit or fear of disappointing them. They may change careers, partners, or interests to please their parents. Or they call home every day for advice and praise. Do you do this? I must admit that I sometimes find myself wondering what my parents might have thought about decisions I’ve made, even though they have both passed on.
There is nothing wrong with this desire to seek council from those you respect and have earned your trust. The key is balance. If there is a constant need for validation, this may keep you stuck in childhood patterns. It suggests a lack of self-confidence and independence. Adults who base their self-worth on parental approval often feel insecure and empty inside. Seeking ongoing approval well into adulthood implies one does not fully trust their own judgement. It gives too much power and control to one's parents over important life decisions.
The desire for parental approval may mask deeper issues like fear of abandonment or rejection. Therapeutic support can help identify and address the root causes of this need for external validation. With self-awareness and inner work, adults can develop their own moral compass. They can make decisions that align with their values versus seeking their parents' stamp of approval. This frees them to live more authentically and feel fulfilled from within.
Seeking Love from Partner
Many people feel empty and unfulfilled, even when in a romantic relationship. There can be a tendency to look to one's partner to provide complete love, validation, and fulfillment. This external seeking of love can leave one feeling disappointed and empty. Some examples of looking to a partner for complete fulfillment include:
Relying on a partner's affection and attention as the primary source of feeling loved. When the partner is busy or withdrawn, it leads to feeling unloved and empty inside.
Looking to the partner to constantly affirm one's value and worth. Seeking ongoing validation from a partner to feel good about oneself.
Expecting a partner to understand and meet one's needs without having to communicate them. Then feeling resentful when needs go unmet.
Wanting the partner to make life feel meaningful and complete. Feeling lost when the partner is absent.
Idealizing the partner and relationship as perfect. Feeling empty when imperfections inevitably emerge.
Have you ever prioritized your partner's opinions over your own, to the point where you're not even sure of your own views, yet fully aware of how your partner would think or react? I experienced this in my younger years. It wasn't until I began to genuinely value my self-awareness and worth that I realized the importance of understanding and asserting my own perspectives, leading to a stronger sense of self.
The tendency to make a romantic partner solely responsible for one's happiness almost inevitably leads to disappointment. True fulfillment comes from within. A romantic partner can enrich life but should not be expected to complete it.
Seeking Space from Crowds
We all need time to ourselves. As social creatures, too much time spent around others can leave us feeling drained and overwhelmed. We crave space away from the crowd - a chance to breathe freely without the noise and demands of constant social interaction.
Crowds can sometimes feel suffocating. Whether it's a busy shopping mall, a packed concert venue, or even a family gathering that goes on too long, there comes a point where we start to feel closed in. Our senses feel bombarded from all sides. Alone time offers sweet relief, unless you’re like a close acquaintance who cannot tolerate being alone. This person, in the absence of company, will need to connect on social media or reach out to friends over the phone, constantly seeking engagement to avoid the discomfort of solitude.
But solitude allows our minds and bodies to decompress. The pressures of maintaining appearances and engaging with others starts to melt away. We're free to simply be, without judgment or expectations. Silence soothes our overloaded nerves and lets us hear our own thoughts, allowing us to reconnect with our inner selves.
Seeking breathing room from the crowd is a healthy impulse. It allows us to recharge our batteries so we can go back out into the world feeling energized. Spending too much time surrounded by others without a chance to renew ourselves leads to tension and anxiety. Honoring our need for solitude helps us find balance. We all need a little space to breathe.
The Solution is Within
We all have needs for respect, love, approval, and breathing room. But often we unconsciously seek these things from external sources such as other people or society. When our needs go unmet, we can feel empty inside.
The solution lies in realizing that no one else can ultimately fulfill our inner needs - only we have that power. We must give ourselves permission to have self-respect, self-love, and self-approval. This transfers control and responsibility back to us.
Rather than seeking respect from others, give that gift of respect to yourself. You have inherent worth that no one can take away. Recognize your strengths, talents, and values. When you respect yourself fully, external validation becomes less important.
Instead of wanting love from a partner, choose to love yourself first. Do nurturing activities that make you feel cared for. Speak kindly to yourself and prioritize self-care. You are worthy of love simply for being you. As you build this self-love, romantic love can flourish on top of a strong foundation.
Rather than chasing approval from parents or society, approve of yourself. You know yourself and your needs better than anyone. Give yourself permission to make choices that align with your values. Validate your own dreams. When you become your own biggest supporter, other opinions have less sway over you.
The solution starts with taking control of fulfilling your own needs, rather than handing over that power. When you give yourself what you truly need - respect, love, approval - you tap into an unlimited inner wellspring. It may feel a bit strange at first, but this intentional focus provides a sense of wholeness that external validation cannot.
Give Yourself Permission
We often seek validation and approval from others because we don't know how to give it to ourselves. Here are some ways to start giving yourself permission rather than looking for it externally:
Give yourself permission to feel. Don't suppress your emotions or talk yourself out of them. Let yourself fully experience whatever you're feeling without judgment. Cry when you're sad, get angry when you're frustrated. Emotions are data - listen to them, acknowledge them, and use them for what they are.
Give yourself permission to rest. Take a break when you need one. Don't keep pushing yourself to exhaustion. Let go of guilt, and give yourself time to recharge. You are worthy of rest.
Give yourself permission to say no. You don't have to explain yourself. If something doesn't work for you, you can politely decline. Don't force yourself into situations that don't feel right. Remember to honor your boundaries.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes. You don't have to be perfect - there is no such thing! Mistakes can help you grow if you perceive them as opportunities to do so. Allow yourself to fail, dust yourself off, and try again. Progress over perfection.
Give yourself permission to ask for help. Needing support doesn't make you weak. Recognizing that you need support makes you strong. Reach out when you're struggling. There's no shame in getting assistance to lift a burden. It shows that you know how to prioritize.
Give yourself permission to walk away. This can be a tough one, but if a relationship or situation is causing you harm, you can choose to leave it. Believe it or not, you have a choice! Don't convince yourself to stay somewhere that hurts you. You deserve peace.
Learning to give yourself permission takes practice, but it's worth the effort. You have an inner wisdom - let it guide you. With self-permission comes freedom and power.
Having Self Respect
Having self-respect is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. When we have a healthy sense of self-respect, we value ourselves and set standards for how we expect to be treated. This empowers us to make choices that align with our self-worth.
There are several ways we can build self-respect:
Practice positive self-talk - Be kind to yourself in your inner dialogue. Avoid negative self-criticism (easier said than done but keep trying). Remind yourself regularly of your positive qualities, talents, and strengths. Speaking kindly about yourself, especially in your thoughts, is a key part of self-respect.
Set healthy boundaries - Know your limits and stand up for yourself. Don't accept disrespectful behavior from others. Say no when you need to. Protect your time and energy. You don’t have to be mean. When you get to the point of enforcing your boundaries calmly and consistently, you have arrived. And it feels so good!
Take care of your needs - Make self-care a regular habit. The answers are clear and plain - eat nutritious foods, exercise, get enough sleep, take time to decompress. Eliminating as much stress from your life - even the little things - can have a significant impact on your well-being. Oh, and meeting your own needs shows you matter.
Be assertive - Communicate your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and respectfully. Don't let others take advantage of you. Speaking up assertively (remember, not angrily) honors your self-worth.
Forgive yourself - We all make mistakes. Don't dwell in guilt. This is probably one of the hardest things to do for some. Acknowledge your errors, learn from them, then move forward with self-compassion. Learning from the things you’re not proud of is the most beneficial step towards personal growth.
Do things that make you feel good about yourself - Take on challenges, volunteer, learn new skills, take a chance. Pursue activities that give you a sense of meaning and accomplishment.
Making self-respect a daily practice takes commitment, but the benefits are well worth it. You'll gain confidence in expressing your needs, pursuing your dreams, and creating healthy relationships. Respect starts from within.
Loving Yourself
Self-love and self-care are so important for our mental health and wellbeing, yet they are often overlooked or neglected. When we don't love ourselves, it becomes difficult to love others or accept love from others. Self-love is the foundation for living a joyful and fulfilling life.
What does it mean to love yourself? It means accepting yourself fully - flaws and all. It means speaking kindly to yourself, and not berating yourself over mistakes or shortcomings. It means taking care of your needs - physical, emotional, and spiritual. Self-love requires setting healthy boundaries and not compromising your values to please others. It means picking yourself up again.
There are many simple yet powerful ways to cultivate self-love in your daily life. Treat yourself with compassion - be your own best friend rather than your own worst critic. Do things that make you feel good, whether it's exercising, reading, being in nature, or any activity that boosts your mood. Take time for self-care through relaxing baths, soothing music, meditation, or massage. Surround yourself with positive thoughts and people who uplift you. Honor your feelings and don't suppress difficult emotions.
Make self-love a regular ritual, not just an occasional treat. As you fill yourself with self-love, you will have an abundance to give to others. Self-love allows us to create healthy, happy relationships. It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Conclusion
In summary, many of us seek validation and fulfillment from external sources like respect, approval, love, or space from others. However, true happiness and contentment must come from within. The most powerful approval and respect we need is self-approval and self-respect.
Rather than endlessly chasing external validation, shift your focus inwards. Give yourself permission to access your inner wisdom. Love yourself fully. When you fill yourself up from the inside, you won't feel that inner emptiness driving you to seek fulfillment externally.
The journey of self-discovery and self-love is a lifelong process. But making the choice to look within instead of seeking validation outside yourself is the first step to living a deeply fulfilling life aligned with your true self. You have everything you need inside you already - now is the time to recognize that power. This is how you make yourself.
Thank you for reading this blog post! If you enjoyed the content and want to learn more about the topics discussed, I highly recommend checking out my book, REFLECT: A Perspective on Understanding Your Reality and Becoming Unstuck. In it, I dive deeper into the strategies and insights shared in this post, offering even more valuable information and practical advice. Click here to order your copy of REFLECT today! You can also visit my website for more information.