This is what facing the Dark Side looks like
Time to face the dark side.
Just kidding. The darkness is not something to fear. It’s just the stuff that you’re not accepting about yourself or not aware of yet – the stuff floating around in your subconscious mind space – begging for attention. Not so scary when you think of it that way, right? Some terms that people use to refer to thier ‘dark’ experiences are: inner demons, shadow side, unknown side, or shadow self. If you’re into Jung, it can be your anima or animus. If you’re going through a particularly rough time in your life, you might experience the “dark night of the soul”. Many people also use the term “dark side” to reference anything negative such as depression, despair, hopelessness, despondency, low spirits, cynicism, grief, etc.
When you’re looking to face your dark side, think of it as being in a completely dark room – pitch black, no light. You have no clue if someone or something is going to grab you from behind or if you’re going to fall into a deep pit of fiery torment after taking a step forward. You feel paralyzed with fear because you hear a growl. You’re stuck! You don’t even want to blink.
All you have to do is make the first move. Reach out your hand, feel for the doorknob, and turn it. Now, you may miss the door handle on the first try (don’t give up) or maybe you jam your finger while you’re trying to grab (ouch, keep going), but ultimately you get the door open by twisting the handle and pulling forward. Suddenly, the light bursts in and fills your room. Now you can see everything in the once murky chamber where you stand. You realize that there are some cobwebs hanging (which means there are spiders too), some dirt on the floor, and several boxes stacked on top of one another – all containing old junk that you no longer need. There are also beautiful paintings on the wall, soft comfy furniture to rest on, a sparkling chandelier, and maybe even a puppy.
Tell me, is the room still scary? If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (or OCD), you may be a little frightened by the clutter, but otherwise, the room is not so scary. There are no pits to fall in, no gorillas to grab you from behind and tickle you to death – just that sweet little puppy biting at your ankles because she’s still teething. Now you can see what you’ve been dealing with all along. Does it mean that the work is over? Not so, but at least you know what’s ahead of you. Fear of the unknown is no longer an issue.
Facing your dark side is very similar. Let’s say you’re super mad at your wife because a co-worker of hers has been paying a lot of attention to her lately. She may not have done a thing to provoke this flirtation and she’s never been unfaithful to you. In fact, she really didn’t even notice what was going on until you mentioned it to her. She actually thinks that this co-worker is annoying and even a little mean, but you think he’s the devil incarnate. Nonetheless, you resent the whole situation and now you start wondering if your wife likes his shiny bald head over your wavy chestnut locks. From your perspective, he may be a little obnoxious, but he likes to play tennis – which just happens to be your wife’s favorite pastime (Hmm, how did you even know that he plays tennis?). Let’s walk through this, step-by-step.
1. What you might not realize is that your perception of the situation is distorted and your anger is displaced. When comparing this to the scenario above, this would be equivalent to being stuck in the pitch-black room, not making a move – you are nowhere near admitting that the problem can have something to do with you.
2. The hardest part is reaching out for the handle, getting past the fear to open up the door and letting the light shine on what’s inside of you. This experience would be equivalent to facing your fearful feelings of rejection or not being good enough.
3. You’re sick and tired of feeling this way! Deep down, you know you need to change, but it’s hard, and you aren’t even sure what you feel! Are you mad? Jealous? Feeling sorry for yourself? You don’t even know where to start! This is equivalent to reaching for the handle but missing or bumping your hand. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. This process may require a shovel – not to bang open the door, but to dig a little deeper into the pain. You are so close to opening the door, so don’t give up. Have a little patience with yourself and keep at it.
4. You did it! You opened the door! You faced your fear! The light comes rushing in and maybe it even makes you a little dizzy or shocked at first. This is where you start to put things into perspective for yourself. You admit that you’re jealous and that you’re feeling neglected, but your wife hasn’t done anything to make you feel neglected. She hasn’t acted any differently than she did before this man joined the company. At least you were finally able to admit to yourself that the source of your pain was coming from you, not from your wife or this man.
5. Was it so bad to admit that you were feeling jealous? Are you less of a person because of it? Weaker, because you think you’ll be labeled as a jealous man? On the contrary! You actually just got a little stronger, and you didn’t even do anything yet! This would be equivalent to seeing that there was no scary gorilla to tickle you to death nor a pit of fire to engulf you. You were brave enough to admit to yourself that you were “having” jealousy! Remember – you “are” not jealous, you “are experiencing” jealousy as a sign to get your attention to a deeper issue – which is that some part of you was lacking self-love, possibly from an unresolved issue from the past. By the way, this unresolved issue may have been very minor, but the scar could be big because on some level you believed that you were not good enough – a decision made when you were not seeing clearly.
6. So, now the light is on and you can see everything in the room. The healing process begins now. You know you have to remove some of the clutter to make space for the things that belong there (remove beliefs that no longer serve you), you know you have to clean up the dirty floor a little bit (negativity) and get rid of some of the cobwebs (because it took some time to face your fears). Just remember, the cobwebs were there for a reason – you needed to process what was going on – to gain experience which gets you closer to the truth. Now you know, and the spider (creator of fabulous webs) is right there to help you move forward in a new direction and see things from another perspective.
7. Don’t forget you have to feed the puppy. She’ll need a little potty training too! This last step is equivalent to nourishing yourself with gentle care as you learn to feed yourself new positive thoughts. Will it be easy? Maybe not at first, but you’ll get the hang of it because you already did the hard work! When you’re in training, making mistakes only helps you learn. So don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll see that the next time you start to get jealous, you’ll get through it much faster because you’ll know what to do and you know who you are!
This is what it’s like to face your dark side. In order to see something for what it is, we need to shed some light on it, that’s all.
Thank you for reading this blog post! If you enjoyed the content and want to learn more about the topics discussed, I highly recommend checking out my book, REFLECT: A Perspective on Understanding Your Reality and Becoming Unstuck. In it, I dive deeper into the strategies and insights shared in this post, offering even more valuable information and practical advice. Click here to order your copy of REFLECT today! You can also visit my website for more information.